Heart’s taken. x]

Yesterday-Atmosphere

From my beloved, who took the time to create something hopeful ;]

Present your facade on an almighty pedestal,

Work day in, day out, to make her believe;

Gain her trust, her very confidence;

Woo her into endless sleep.

You know what you must do;

Keep in mind, follow through.

The task at hand is beyond lust;

Handle her with extreme caution,

You musn’t let her become aware.

Coddle her as if she was a flower;

She’ll never figure out, you hold the power.

Unravel the aesthetics you’ve wrapped yourself in;

it’s time, take what you’ve worked for.

<>

Dig out any trace of trust, hope, happiness;

Place her deep within the abyss.

The bed you made is what she has always yearned for;

Very good, her vision is askew of what’s in store.

<>

Choke her with the dirt she trusted blindly.

You win-breathe in her soul, kindly.

Like Moths to Flame-Thrice

1) I hate the school vibe with a passion. I honestly can’t be who I am amidst all of this chaos. Most of the time, I may keep to myself, which can be perceived as “bitchy” or “shy”, but when it comes to the nitty-gritty, those two adjectives don’t apply to who I am.

2) I’ve been told that I have a “chill” demeanor, basically some say I have an “I-don’t-give-a-fuck” kind of attitude. Well this is true most of the time, or at least comparatively to those who freak out over a test grade or get hives because there’s no one there to keep them company. I come in late when I don’t feel like pushing myself, I don’t finish hw because I just want to sleep, I participate if I feel like participating; I just try to go with the flow.

3) HOWEVER, I still do “give a fuck”. ROFL, it gets pretty bad when I do, sometimes. If I really care, then I really care. Sure there are some exceptions, but basically it means I end up going too far out on a limb for what I do care about-which, yes, can leave me tumbling down. Conversely, if I’m having one of those bitch-fits which come around every month-or-so, sometimes even more LOLOL, then I become really nit-picky. I think that’s a different topic though.

4) I have beyond decent long-term memory. It’s not a good thing, trust me. I’d trade it for your 6th toe. When you have a…thin psychological barrier like I do, then it’s just a catalyst for further hurt. 

5) I’m kind of…how do I put this…masochistic; not the sexual gratification kind, but I’ll probably go more into depth about this in a blog.

6) I have really bad short term memory. YAY for ADD. Er, yeah that’s pretty annoying as well. >< I have a really hard time focusing, that’s why I’m on tumblr now instead of reading my pages and pages of AP American stuff…and why I’m taking forever to get this blog entry down. XD

7) I just want to be happy, or at least content, with the simple things in life. I look forward to taking a stroll in the park, having no troubles to be able enough to unwind with a good book, cooking a nice meal and enjoying it with nice people, drifting to sleep while the rain pitter-patters on my windowpane, being in the arms of the one I love; the list isn’t finite.

8) Although I crave the simplicity, something in me strives to thrive, in the competitive NYC atmosphere. It’s all of this BK-Tech, big smart school bullshit, I tell you. They push us, and try to mold us into prospective stone-cold leaders; they’re all doing it wrong…I incredibly dislike this system. However, the sound of authority and success, is definitely enticing. It doesn’t mean we all have to be lawyers or doctors for that, but maybe entrepreneurs, self-made prodigies… Anyway, it’d be cool, maybe I can be non-corrupt and do alright in this kind of field.

9) My room’s a mess. I would LOVE for it to be organized, I just can’t seem to put myself into it 85% of the time. Something about the lack of…organizational tools and objects turns my “tidy-self” off, then my “I-don’t-give-a-fuck” mindset comes into play..hehe.

10) Piña coladas are amazing. Smoothies too…I get really strange cravings. You know what, if I had a piña colada right now, my mood would be that much higher. That’s all it takes to lift me up sometimes x]

Yum.

Well, this one is a toughie…I’m not feeling very, “extrospective” LOL, so I’ll keep this as basically deep as possible.

1) It’s a wonder how a few months could change a person. Already, the vibe between us is rather strange and even, awkward. It’s a shame because of the connection we could have but I guess that’s just how it should be at the moment.

2) I’m kind of baffled at how often we speak, but mostly about nothing I suppose. LOL it feels as if there’s not much to you, which is pretty sad, but it’s ok if you’re fine with it. You’re still a cool person.

3) I’d admire you for your self-competency and strength but turns out, your armor is just as cracked as mine is. You’re not the kind to reach out so much but all in all, you’re a nice individual. We do have fun times and calm ones, so I really appreciate that.

4) I completely envy certain traits of yours, like your incredible resiliency. I know we’re different, so it’s not right to compare, but doesn’t mean I can’t be jealous :p No one can really say a bad word about you, I hope we can always remain in touch.

5) I wasn’t always too fond of you, but lately I’ve realized not to really let past debacles interfere with the present. You’re not my favorite person but I definitely feel like I have more in common with you. I just hope you don’t end up walking in my footsteps…

6) I’ve felt very jaded at times because of you; in the beginning, I pushed my gut aside and let you in, which I’ve always hoped would be “the right thing”. I don’t believe it was a mistake, because of the positives, but I hope I didn’t go backwards and fuck up my own mentality.

7) You’re adorableee. I love how easily you can confide in me; I hope we only blossom from here on.

8) Wow, you’re ridiculously annoying when it’s one of those “EVERYTHINGSUCKS”-days.

[^ lolol this can pertain to more than one person, actually]

9) Haha I think it’s hilarious that we’re starting to talk again, it was unexpected. You’ve turned out to be pretty cool, so props for you.

10) ERRRRRRRRRR..Yeah I really don’t have much to say, weird.

maybeshelikestotalk:

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

Just so I don’t start tearing myself apart from the inside out, I’ll vent. I just wanna keep it as simple as possible yet feel as if I’ve lifted some weight off my shoulders.

I haven’t been feeling too good, for the past couple of weeks, ever since school started. Yeah, everyone dreads the death of summer, but the start of school really took a toll on my morale.

I haven’t really been myself; I’ve been extremely dependent, irrational, easily bothered, anti-social, even. I drag my ass to school like a zombie and grit my teeth all throughout the school day, but I did look forward to one thing. And only one thing-that was mercurial…it’s not the kind of anchor that one should lean on so heavily. However, I did. 

Because of my dependency, I became a demanding unhappy bitch. All I wanted was to…be adulated and constantly coddled. Every now and then, I’d be satisified, but something else could’ve been done better, which was completely unfair for the other side, I know…but it’s not as if all I did was demand and command.

I know, I’m no child, I’m no baby that needs to be constantly monitored and praised. I guess I just needed a fuel to keep my fire burning, but realistically that fuel has to come from me. I let myself drop too far into this…but thankfully my mentality is seeping back.

Prior to this “stage”, I was desperately trying to climb out of my needy hole..during this time I was completely despondent, trying to isolate myself from everything else, pushing myself to stand up on my own feet again. I felt helpless, hopeless, purposeless-I didn’t want to wake up in the morning to another cycle of mental warfare. I used to be able to drown it all out with garrulous company, or angsty music LOL but eh, lately it’s not that simple.

So yay, hehe let’s take away some of the solemnity..I’m feeling more, stable. Although, there is an issue of…deception, a bit strong of a word, but it has a similar connotation. The situation is basically resolved, but I still feel that tinging of..sleight.

There’s a difference between having something withheld from someone, and blatantly lying to someone’s face. However, when one combines the two, it’s just a pile of bullshit. I don’t like being treated that way, ‘course not..justifications are justifications but I’m trying to be as understanding as possible, like I ”used” to be. At least this time around, being understanding won’t equate being a pushover.

Trust has always been a toughie for me, but truthfully I’m doing a bit better in that department. I don’t like having trust blurred in my relationships but it’s rather frequent with those people you basically just make small talk with. Err, back to the point XD, I’m just trying to keep my cool and see to it that I don’t end up in this predicament again. Because when push comes to shove, I can only be so understanding.

What am I gonna do with myself? IDK, but I know what I won’t do. ^All listed in the first few paragraphs, hehe.

Cheers to sensibility; breathe in, breathe out.

Alrighty, finally my first post…I had no idea what to write a month or two ago when I created this thing. I still don’t really know, but I’m just wingin’ it as I go…

One thing that’s bugging me at the moment is most definitely: indecisiveness. 

Yeah, I’m pretty sure most of us are indecisiveness in some way, ask a teenager what they want to do, and I’m sure you’ll get a reply somewhere along the lines of “I dunno” or just a drawn-out “uhhhh”.

To be frank, what’s worse than an indecisive teenager, has got to be an indecisive teenage GIRL. [I’m getting sick of using the word “indecisive” but…IDUNNO what to use!]

So I sit here thinking about what I want to take on during the summer…I can come up with a never-ending list ranging from “climb Mt. Everest” to “buy ice”. It’s kind of like the whole “have your cake and eat it too” debacle; I want to see the world, yet I also want to stay in and do absolutely nothing but rot in my own juices… o_o

Anyway, I must refrain from running off on an even longer tangent, based on life goals and whatnot; so I’ll just end this here with an apology to all non-females out there:

On behalf of the “teenage girl” population, I apologize for being so damn…inconclusive.

Okay wait, scratch that^

 ”On behalf of all teenage girls, I apologize for our misgivings.”

Oh right, so pertaining to my title, all I really know right now is that…I don’t want the world. Thanks, Three Doors Down.